My Story, Gods Amazing Wisdom, Part 8

To catch up begin here.

Summer turned to fall, the little boys had been gone for several months, but they were still on all of our minds. My boys asked frequently about them. I thought of them often, and tears still came easily. I received a call one afternoon from their Grandmother. She wondered if I would like to meet her, and the boys, at the mall. Yes! I would love to.

I went, secretly hoping they would run to me, cling on and not want to let go. It didn't happen like that. They sat in my lap and snuggled, looked at pictures and colored, but it wasn't the same. I don't know what their little minds were thinking, I wondered if they could place me. It had been about 5 months since they left. They didn't look like 'my' boys any longer. They needed fresh hair cuts, a bath and 'mommy love'. I could tell they were doing ok. I could tell they were boys who had learned to take life as it came. My heart ached for them. I felt a strange peace as said good-bye. I knew I was no longer the one they felt comforted by. I left the mall holding back tears, wondering if that would be the last time I would see them. What roll did I play in their lives? I wondered why. Why did this happen, why did the Lord choose me to endure this. Why...

Fall turned to Winter and we decided to put our name in with another Adoption Agency. We felt comfortable the way they operated. They were very cautions when placing children. We needed that. The wait began.

Christmas came and went. After Christmas, I threw all the Christmas decorations in the 'Baby Room' and closed the door. I didn't want to bother putting stuff away and I didn't want to bother going in that room. The door remained closed. For some reason, one January afternoon, I got the urge to dig into that room. I cleaned it all up, put the decorations away and sorted little boy clothes from older boy clothes. The room was clean again. It stood waiting, empty.

Several days later we went to AWANA like we always do. I left my phone in the car, not wanting to bother with it during AWANA. When the night was over, the boys and I ran out to the car in the freezing cold and cranked the heat. We were looking forward to our traditional after AWANA ice-cream treat. (I know that sounds crazy. It is freezing cold and we're eating ice-cream. It's my favorite way to consume dairy, (it counts, right??), and a great tradition that my children will forever remember!) My phone was beeping, hummm, I had a couple of missed calls and a message. It was from our social worker. Why was she calling me at night? I had no idea what was about to unfold...I called her right away. She had a placement for us. The baby had already been born. Were we interested?
Yes!
A whirlwind of events and decisions took place. We could pick up our child in three days. And then a snow storm hit. The DOT was recommending no travel... at all. What? We have 4 wheel drive, we could make it! After talking it over, we decided several hours of driving with a newborn on icy roads wasn't worth the risk. We would wait and go the next day.
We left the boys at my mom's house. My oldest son knew what we were doing (he is a fantastic secret keeper!), but we didn't tell anyone else, even my mom. I dropped off the boys and went back to get my husband so she wouldn't think anything was up.

It was an amazing morning. The most beautiful little girl was placed in my arms, and she was my forever daughter. She was 8 days old and a petite, little miracle. Her blue eyes, strawberry blond hair and porcelain skin took my breath away. She was a gift. She was worth the pain and the wait. She was hand picked my God, and placed in my arms. She was my daughter.

"Before I made you in your mother's womb, I chose you." Jeremiah 1:5

I do not know if our family is complete. God may choose to give us another biological child or press upon our hearts to pursue another adoption. Whatever the ending may be, I know full well, God will get us where He wants us to be. But I must be obedient in listening to His voice.

My Story God's AmazingWisdom, Part 7

Part 6 starts here...After our experience with the birth mom changing her mind, we knew we needed time to reevaluate. We needed time to re-think, pray and seek what God was wanting from us. Several months went by and we felt we needed to place our names on the adoption list again. Christmas came and went. Then the beginning of a new year. Finally it was February, vacation time! We were preparing to head to Disney with our boys. The phone rang, it was our social worker. This time the situation was much different, a situation the Adoption Agency we were working with rarely had. A mother had decided to give her two little boys, ages 1 & 2, up for adoption. Could our profile be shown? We talked, we asked God for wisdom and we said yes. The following day, a week before our trip, we got a call. She picked us. Could we come tomorrow and meet her and the boys? Sure we would be there. My husband and I made the 2 hour trip, we met with her, then we met the boys. To be honest, it wasn't love at first sight. But I knew if it were meant to be God would change my heart.
We went home. The agency told us they would call us soon. It wasn't too long after we arrived home we received another call. She would like us to take her boys. She had signed the papers. When could we get them? We would go the following day. We talked with our boys, we prepared what we could and we took a leap of faith. The love for those little boys began to grow in my heart. God had transformed me; He filled me with love, tenderness and compassion for those little boys. We were a family of 6.
We took our new sons on our trip with us. It was a decisions we though a lot about...In the end, our thinking was that it would be a good bonding time for our family. We wouldn't have visitors, we would be able to spend 24/7 together as a family. It turned out to be an adventurous trip to say the least.
We returned home, and life began to fall into a comfortable routine. Life was filled with laughter, tears, little boys playing, fights over toys, new family bonds, battles over wills, adventures to the store... it was life. Life, that was about to take another 180* turn. We received a call about a month after we had the boys that the birth dad 'suddenly' showed up. He wanted to fight for custody. Huh? We were told he was no where around. He wasn't apart of their lives and he didn't want to be. The story was about to change... he went to court, spoke his side and pleaded to be given a chance. HE was right. We had been mislead. After discussions with our Attorney, visits with the birth mom and birth dad, looonngg discussions with the Adoption agency, court hearings, tears, court rulings, more tears the boys went to live with their father. They had been with us for a little over 3 months. We had grown to love them as our own. Our boys had grown to know them as brothers. I cried. I was angry, how could this happen again?
My tears were different this time. Yes, they were tears of pain, but they were also tears of sorrow, tears of frustration, tears of deep sadness for the little boys, tears for my older sons who were confused. The birth dad was in the right. He loved those little boys, he had been apart of their lives. The adoption agency was insufficient in their background research of him. They were wrong.
I think of those little boys often.... what hurts the most is knowing they won't be brought up in a Christian home. Their dad loves them and is doing the best he can for them, but his morals and our morals are soooo different. Those little boys have seen and witnessed more than any child every should. I know God is bigger than I can ever imagine. I pray our lives were a testimony to their birth dad. I pray God planted a seed in his heart and in the hearts of the little boys. I pray God puts people in their lives that draw them to Him. I know anything is possible with God.
We pulled all of our paperwork from the (well known, nation wide) agency we were working with. If we would ever adopt again, we would not use that agency.
It was almost summer. Things were beginning to take on new life outside. We spend that summer enjoying life as a family of 4. I remember weeding my garden with tears steaming down my cheeks. Life seemed unfair. God spoke with me a lot that summer. I learned to listen and soak Him up more than I ever had before.
We began a different kind ofadventure that Fall, Home Schooling. And our adoption adventure wasn't over, God was working on another blessing for us.

Gods Amazing Wisdom, My Story Part 6

To catch up, Please start here...

About a year after the adoption of our son, we decided it was time to look into adoption again. We started the process of renewing our home study and updating our paperwork. I made a new portfolio of our family for the birth parents to look at. Making those books are...well, hard!
What pictures do I want to represent our family?
What do I say to the woman who may be giving me her child?
How do I thank her in a personal letter?
Can I really show the love my family will give another child with pictures?
When I was finished with the book, the waiting began.
We recieved a call 6 or 7 months after all of our paperwork was complete. We had been choosen! We meet with the birth mom at AppleBees for dinner. It was my husband and I, our social worker, the birth mom and the 3 year old daughter of the birth mom. We felt our meeting went well. She was set in her decision to place her child for adoption. She stated over and over, this was what she was going to do. She even told us, she would not change her mind. The plan; we would recieve a call from our social worker when she went into labor and we would pack our things and then head to the hospital. She was going to deliver in a town about 2 hours away. I fully remember the day we received the call. It was a sunny, beautiful day. My oldest was home because it was his 'off' day from kindergarten. I was in my bedroom cleaning when the phone rang. My heart raced when I heard our social workers voice. The boys and I packed our belongings as quickly as we could. I packed a few toys for the boys, a bag of new baby items for our *new daughter* and off we went. My husband was working out of town, he headed home to shower and leave as soon as he could.
We arrived in the town where the birth mom was delivering. She hadn't delivered yet so we checked in to a hotel and tried to make time pass quickly. It didn't. We waited, and waited, and waited. My husband arrived and we waited some more. After several more hours we received the call, she was going to be born soon. We headed to the hospital to wait. I remember going into the delivery room minutes after our little girl was born. She was bright pink under the lights. She was beautiful. Perfect in every day. Dark hair and dark eyes. Perfect round head. 10 fingers and 10 toes. We spent several hours with our little girl that night.
The next few days were long, uncomfortable and emotional. We spent time with the birth mom and our new daughter. Finally the time had arrived, we were able to leave. Once again, we were asked to stay in a hotel until the waiting period was up. However this time we were able to drive closer to home. We were now in a hotel 20 minutes from our house. Oh, I could not wait to get home and start life as a mother of three! Sunday night my husband took our oldest son home so he could go to school the next morning. Our youngest son, myself and our daughter stayed one more night in the hotel. Monday morning we were heading home!
I woke bright and early Monday and started packing all of our items. I was waiting for a call giving us the go ahead to leave. The phone rang... it wasn't our social worker, it was the director of the Agency... The birth mother was changing her mind. They were coming to get my daughter...WHAT? What was happening?
Tears began to stream down my face. I was holding this precious little girl who I would never see again. I wouldn't ever get to watch her grow, to see her first step, to watch her chase butterflies or ride a bike. I wouldn't get to hear her laugh or call me mom.
My heart was shattered.
I was aching all over.
My body was trembling.
How could this be?
I don't know how I managed to speak the words, but I called my husband and told him what was happening. He picked up our oldest son and came to me right away. The five of us sat for over an hour crying, holding Catrina and wondering why this was happening. The Agency Director arrived, said a few things (I don't remember what), that she would be in contact with us, tucked our precious little girl in a carseat and left.
We sat.
We cried.
We picked up our items.
We left.
Somehow I managed to drive home that day. Somehow I managed to get up the next morning. Somehow I began life again.
It was Spring time and my flowers were just starting to bloom at home. My garden was in need of planting, my flower beds in need of tender care. I poured myself into my two boys and outside work that summer.
My life was changed forever.
My heart was broken, but God was beginning to mend it.
Slowly, each morning, the day looked brighter.
My heart began to sing again.
I drive by that hotel once in a while. I think of our little Catrina. What is she like now? Does she like to swing? Does she like chocolate or vanilla ice cream? What does her voice sound like? Is she happy? Is she taken care of? Does she know about Jesus?

Isaiah 40:28 - 31
"Do you not know, have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow weary, and his understanding non one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young fall; BUT those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; the will run and not grow weary, the wil walk and not be faint."

My Story... God's Amazing Wisdom part 5

(to catch up on the story, start at the beginning)...The days following Tyson's birth were full of emotions. We arrived at the hospital several hours after he was born. We spend the next few days with him and his birth parents. Was it easy? No. Many times I felt uncomfortable, awkward, uneasy. How am I suppose to relate to the people who are giving me their son? They are giving me a gift, something I have longed for, ached for and prayed for, for many years. What do I say? What do I do? I don't remember what all was said, but I do know, God used those hours to deepen my love for his birth parents. They are truly amazing people. I will always be grateful for the unselfish act they did.
When it was time for Tyson to leave the hospital we had to 'move' into a hotel for several days. We were 6 hours from home and our States' Adoption Law states that the birth parents can change their mind for 96 hours after they have signed release papers. Yes, we were taking a risk. But at the time we didn't care, we didn't want our son going into foster care. We wanted him to be with us. We went to a hotel because the adoption agency we were working with has a policy of not letting a child to go into the home until after the 96 hours are up and birth parent signatures cannot be revoked. They said it is much harder once a child goes home with the adoptive family if the birth parents would decide to change their mind. I did not understand their 'theory' at the time.... However, years later, I would understand why.
We settled in to our hotel and our new life as parents of two boys. Looking back, being away from family, people we knew and distractions turned out to be a blessing. We were able to bond, my older son was able to get use to his new role as big brother and I was able to adjust to having two children. Finally the day had come, it was time to head home, and Tyson was my son forever! I had been praying for this day for years.
Our adoption is called a semi open adoption. We send updates and pictures, but don't have face to face contact with his birth parents. His birth parents will always be a special part of our lives.

Please, if you are considering adoption, comment. I will gladly answer any questions, or help you figure them out if I cannot answer them. Adoption is an amazing blessing!

My Story...Gods Amazing Wisdom, Part 4

Adoption. It was scary. It was unknown. We had done foster care... would it be like that? I started to look into different agencies. But I didn't bug my husband. I kept my mouth shut. I prayed. God had taken my heart and done a 180 with it. I knew if it was His plan, He would do the same thing with my husbands. One day out of the blue, my husband said "Ok, you can make the call." I knew exactly what he was meaning. I could start looking into adoption! Those words began a new chapter in our lives. New trials, new searching and new Faith.

After calling several Agencies, we decided on Bethany Christian Services. Emily, a wonderful lady, answered all our questions and we began the Home Study process. (I will gladly explain in detail how that process looked for us if anyone is interested.) We gathered birth certificates, tax documents, medical records, legal documents, answered questions about how we were raised, how we planned to raise our adopted child, and why we were wanting to adopt. Our lives were opened like a book. Nothing about us, our past or our childhood was secret. We had to decide if we would be willing to take an infant with medical problems, if we would accept a mixed race child, if we would be willing to meet the birth parents, what kind of contact with the birth parents we would be willing to have as our child grew... and the list went on. The decisions were hard. This was new territory for us. We prayed. We talked. We searched out answers. Many times we continued by FAITH. We felt God's hand guiding us.

We made a profile of pictures of our family, where we lived and what we enjoyed doing. It was a story book of our lives. I remember as I worked on our profile wondering if anyone would choose us... would our family be good enough for them? Would it matter that we lived in the country? Would they care that we had a son? Would they like the way we looked?

Eventually we meet with an expecting gal about 4 hours away. She had chosen us. Wow, what a feeling. She had many questions for us. She ended up deciding on another family. We were heart broken. As we were driving home, the Social Worker called. She had another gal in her office who she thought would be a good 'match' with us. Were were interested? We talked about the situation. Yes, we wanted our profile shown again. In several days we received another call, we had been chosen ! This time both birth parents wanted to meet with us. Another road trip. My stomach was in knots. Would they consider me good enough to raise their child as my own? What would they be like. What would they look like? Would they like my son?

Our meeting went well. We found out the four of us had many things in common... and the most important thing we had in common was that their birth son would become our son.

My Story...Gods Amazing Wisdom, Part Three

We tried again several months later. And this time, it was positive! Joy, pure joy! When I was 7 weeks, I had my first ultra sound, something was wrong. My baby's heart beat was slow. The Dr gave us hope, saying it was very early in the pregnancy. We were told to come back in two weeks. I spent those two weeks praying, crying, pleading and begging with God. An Elder from church came, anointed me with oil, and prayed over our baby. I thought God would hear my cries... I thought He would allow this life to continue to grow inside me... He wouldn't take what He had given...Would He?

We went back two long weeks later, the dear Ultra Sound lady tried as hard as she could, but no heart beat was found. I went on to have a D & C that day. I literally left like life was sucked out of me. Where was God? Why didn't He hear my prayer? What was wrong with me? Why wasn't this working? I was in the darkest days of my life. I was doing the motions of life, but not really living. I got out of bed each morning because of the previous gift God had given me, my first born.

The next few weeks were a blur. I was a wreck. My heart ached. Everywhere I went, someone was pregnant. One morning, my best friend showed up at my door. She looked nervous, like she had something important to say. She looked at me and said "I think God got the wrong one." "Huh"? I said. "I am pregnant" she muttered. Tears welled up in my eyes and slowly began to fall. Why God? How could she 'accidentally' get pregnant?

Medically nothing was working, but Spiritually, God was working. I wasn't where He wanted me to be. He was trying to get my attention. Would I stop to listen this time? Would I learn to find true Joy in Him? Would I finally understand that God needs to be first, His ways are perfect. His plan is much bigger than this little moment in time. What God was preparing my heart for, was something I hadn't ever considered. He started to plant a seed in my heart. He began to take my doubt of never having more than one child and turn it into hope. I began to pray for peace. God began to work. An amazing miracle began.

Spring was coming. I needed that. I spent the summer outside playing, digging in the dirt and soaking in the warm sun. New life was popping up all around me; flowers, vegetables in my garden, everything was coming alive again... even my spirit. Slowly I began to creep out of my dark dark place. My heart began to flutter with a new hope. The word adoption started to grow into my heart. I prayed. I talked to my husband... he wasn't so sure about the idea. I prayed some more, and kept my mouth shut. I didn't bug him. I prayed.

Slowly, life had meaning again. I was learning that Joy is a state of mind. It is something I must choose no matter what my circumstance is.

John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal, kill & destroy, I have come that (you) may have life and have it to the full."

My Story...Gods Amazing Wisdom, Part Two

It started out the same way, we used Clomid. But after 5 months and no pregnancy, my OB referred me to the Infertility Clinic. The first appointment was an all day event. They asked all sorts of questions, and did several tests. At the end of the day, we were sent home so they could come up with a plan. We left that day with a folder of papers and information. My head was spinning. The folder had charts, schedules, lists of over the counter medicines that were good to use if I were feeling ill, and the ones to stay away from. We received a handout describing the side effects of various drugs we might be using, and instructions on what to do in case the side effects occurred. It was very over whelming, but I had hope. Statically, things looked pretty good for us. I wanted another child so badly, I thought I could endure anything.

Over the next several years, I got to know the fertility Dr's all too well. I knew the Ultra Sound Tech by first name and she knew mine. Her smile and face became comforting. I knew I had a friend in a scary place.

I learned about follicles and thickness of the uterine lining. I learned about drugs that stimulated my ovaries, and drugs that shut down my system. I was given a diagram of where my shots would be given, my body had marker on it so I would hit the right spot. I learned to self administer shots several times a day. Everything was done on a schedule, nothing was sacred anymore. . I was bloated, gained weight and emotionally a wreck. My legs and hips ached from all the shots. My thighs were sore from being poked, my muscles ached from Progesterone shots. It hurt to walk. I felt broken, and no one knew how to fix me. 4 IUI's and nothing. Negative, negative, negative, negative. Would I ever see a positive pregnancy test again?

After another consultation with the Dr, we decided it would be best to move on to an IVF procedure. My body was good at producing eggs. Our egg retrieval went perfect. However, several days later, my ovaries hyper stimulated. I spend 5 days in the hospital getting fluid drained off of my abdomen. The first time they drained the fluid, I was alone. It was in the middle of the day. I remember laying in the bed, trembling with fear as I had never trembled before. My body shook uncontrollably. I stared at the ceiling, tears streaming down my cheeks. The needle was the biggest thing I had ever seen. I am guessing it was 4-5 inches long. They took 2 liters off my abdomen that afternoon and in the following days they 'drained' me several more times. I was told Hyper Stimulating could be good. It meant my body had started to produce its own hormones and I was most likely pregnant. Hope, I had it again... It turned out to be a chemical pregnancy, another failed attempt.

My Story...Gods Amazing Wisdom, Part one...

I am choosing to write my story, maybe for my own good or maybe to be transparent, so someone else can know they aren't alone....

I struggled in high school with wondering who I was and what I was on earth for. All I wanted after high school was to get out of this small mid-west town where everyone knew everything about me. I was going to go to the Swiss Hospitality Institute to get a degree in Hotel/Restaurant Management. I had dreams of living a big life and being someone in charge and important. Little did I know, God had other plans for my life. I met my husband when I was a senior in high school. He is 5 years older than me, needless to say, he wooed me off my feet and my future plans took a 180. I fell in love, married and moved a whopping 3 miles from my parents house to my new house and life with my husband. My dreams of leaving this small town were over. I was now in search of a new dream, a new goal.

Prior to being married, having children wasn't too high on my list of 'things to do'. But once married, it seemed like the next logical thing. If I would have been able to see the future, and what was about to unfold over the next 10 years, I am not sure I would have had the ability to 'walk in my own shoes'. Pregnancy didn't come easily. I remember praying for God to allow me to experience pregnancy, just once. I would later regret those words I uttered. Our first was born after a few months of Clomid. What joy I found in being a mom! I was changed. I had a new purpose, a new meaning, a new drive. I loved being a mom and I wanted nothing more than to have a big family. When our first was one, we decided it was time for #2. #2 came much harder than #1, and in a much different way... the words of praying to experience pregnancy 'just once' echoed in my head.